You Are Enough: Samantha Hyam on Self-Love

If deep down you don’t believe you’re enough, dating can turn into a quiet search for proof of your worst fears.

Without even realising it, you end up drawn to people and situations that quietly confirm the fear you’ve been carrying all along: that maybe, just maybe, you’re not enough.

In the latest episode of Help Me I’m Dating, I sat down with the wonderfully wise Samantha Hyam, an identity and relationship coach, to explore why you are already enough exactly as you are.

Now, before you roll your eyes and mutter, "Yes, yes, I’ve heard it all before," let me say - Sam’s insights are not the fluffy Pinterest-quote kind. 

They’re rooted in her own incredible journey. After surviving 13 years of domestic violence, raising two children, and living with a brain injury, Samantha knows first-hand what it means to rebuild your life. 

And if there’s one thing she’s sure of, it’s this: “The relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you attract.”

Where the Belief "I’m Not Enough" Really Begins

One of the most powerful moments in the episode is when Sam shares where this feeling of not enough-ness actually starts. And spoiler: it’s not Tinder’s fault.

“For many of us, it starts in childhood,” Sam explained. “It could be something like not being able to get your parents’ attention or always feeling on the sidelines. We don’t tend to create negative stories about our parents - we create them about ourselves. The child doesn’t stop loving their parents. They stop loving themselves.”

That wound, the belief that we’re not lovable or enough, doesn’t magically disappear when we become adults. It follows us, quiet and persistent, into our friendships, our jobs, and yes, our dating lives.

“It becomes your self-concept,” Sam said. “It’s an identity you’ve curated and it affects how you show up in relationships. You could be with someone perfectly lovely, but if you believe deep down you’re not enough, you’ll still find ways to feel inadequate.”

Shapeshifting and Chasing: The Hidden Costs

Another standout part of our chat? The way we shapeshift. Oh, how we shapeshift.

Sam calls out the pattern so many of us have been guilty of - adapting ourselves to what we think another person wants.

“It’s this feeling of, I’ve got to work hard. I’ve got to really push my energy and presence into someone’s world for them to notice me, to value me,” she said.

Maybe you hate hiking but find yourself lacing up boots for a guy who lives for the mountains. Maybe you’re a homebody at heart but force yourself into endless adventures because someone’s Bumble profile said they’re looking for a ‘travel buddy’. (Guilty, your honour.)

Sam’s take is clear: “The woman who feels chosen, who believes she’s enough, has a much higher self-concept. She’s steady in who she is. The woman who doesn’t believe she’s enough? She flows and bends and shrinks to whoever she’s with.”

And let’s be honest, that’s exhausting. Shapeshifting should be left to sci-fi movies, not relationships.

Why We Keep Picking the Wrong People

So if we have this old wound, what does it actually do to our love lives?

Sam explained it so perfectly.

“Energy never lies. If you believe you’re not enough, you’re going to emit that energy and guess what? You’re going to attract people who match it. If you think you’re not lovable, you’ll find someone who will confirm it.”

Even worse, we’ll entertain the wrong people because it feels familiar.

"You’re attracting and entertaining the exact patterns that reinforce your original belief,” Sam said. “You’ll accept inconsistency. You’ll rationalise poor behaviour. And you’ll think, this is just how it is.”

And t’s not just dating. It's also how we feel about ourselves after.

We complain to friends about the guy who ghosted or the one who texted back three days later, but what we’re really doing is reinforcing the underlying story: I’m not enough.

How to Start Believing You’re Enough

Changing this belief isn’t about forcing yourself to repeat affirmations into a mirror (although if that’s your thing, by all means).

Sam says it’s about a two-part process:

1. Awareness: "You don’t have to deep dive and relive every painful memory," Sam said. "Just have awareness. Ask yourself: where did this belief come from? What does enough even look like for me?"
   

2. New Action: “You have to take different action to give your brain new evidence,” Sam shared. "When you say no to inconsistency, when you refuse to shapeshift, when you walk away from what doesn’t feel good - you create new neural pathways. You teach yourself: I am enough."
   

This isn’t easy. As Sam put it, “You have to pick your struggle. The struggle of staying stuck or the struggle of rewiring your mind. And rewiring is a struggle worth picking.”

The Power of Self-Talk 

Sam is a big advocate of paying attention to your inner narrative.

“Your self-talk tells you who you are every single day,” she said. “If you’re telling yourself awful things - you’re reinforcing the old belief. If you start changing your inner dialogue to something kinder, you start shifting.”

It doesn’t have to be grand gestures. It can be little things - choosing an outfit that makes you feel good, going on that walk even when you don’t feel like it, skipping the text-analysing marathons after a first date.

As Sam wisely noted,

“Confidence isn’t feeling amazing 24/7. It’s having a solid sense of self even when you don’t feel at your best.”

Is It Time to Step Away from the Swipe?

I couldn’t leave without asking Sam about dating apps and whether they make this whole thing worse.

Her answer? Refreshingly real.

“It’s not just swiping. It’s social media, TikTok, Instagram - all of it. It creates these standards that make you think, I’m not enough if I don’t look a certain way or live a certain life.”

Her advice? Protect your mental diet.

“You wouldn’t eat junk food every day and expect to feel great. It’s the same with what you consume. Choose carefully.”

You Are Already Enough

The belief that you’re not enough isn’t a fact, it’s just a story you’ve been telling yourself. And that story can be rewritten.

When you move through life with I’m not enough as your compass, you chase validation, settle for less, and lose yourself in the process. But when you stand in I am enough, everything shifts.

You date with confidence, set higher standards, and attract the kind of love that aligns with your worth - the kind that feels safe, fulfilling, and real.

You already have everything you need inside you.

It’s not about becoming more. It’s about remembering who you’ve always been.