Louise O’Connell on Attachment Styles: Why You Love the Way You Do

Hands up if you’ve ever dramatically flopped onto the sofa because someone didn’t reply.

Was it the emoji? Of course it was the emoji. The emoji ruined everything.

Is your hand up? Solidarity. I’m hi-fiving you with mutual regret.

Let’s all agree to blame the emoji and have a custard cream.

Which brings me nicely to this week’s episode of Help Me I’m Dating.

I had the absolute joy of sitting down with Louise O’Connell, a BACP-accredited counsellor and psychotherapist who specialises in trauma, breakups, and attachment theory.

This episode is for the women (hi, me) who’ve ever overthought a pause in conversation.

We talked about why dating can feel so intense, and how our early relationships shape the way we show up with partners.

Louise also shared how understanding your attachment style can be the key to building healthier, more secure connections - with others, and with yourself too.

So what is attachment theory?

Louise explained it so beautifully:

“Attachment theory helps us understand ourselves in relationship to others. And I always say - do it with compassion.”

Attachment theory began in the 1950s with psychologist John Bowlby, who studied the bonds between mothers and babies (though today we’d say “primary caregivers”).

Later, psychologist Mary Ainsworth built on his work by observing what happened when mums left the room and then returned. Some babies cried and then calmed down. Some ignored their mum entirely. 

The big four: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganised

Louise took me through the four main attachment styles  and how they might look in real life:

• Secure: You can express your needs, tolerate space, and trust people without spiralling.

• Anxious/preoccupied: You crave closeness but worry it’ll disappear. Texting delays feel like emotional earthquakes.

• Avoidant/dismissive: You’re independent to a fault and find it hard to let people in.

• Disorganised/unresolved: A small but important group that mixes fear, longing, and unpredictable responses.

The good news: you’re not stuck

If you’re worried this means you’re doomed to forever date like a nervous wreck or run from intimacy, don’t panic.

“Your attachment style can change.” Louise told me. “It’s not fixed. It’s not who you are - it’s just a pattern you learned. With the right support, you can earn secure attachment.”

This, for me, was the most hopeful part of our chat. With therapy, support, and conscious awareness, our attachment style isn’t fixed - it’s fluid.

“I had a slightly dismissive style,” Louise shared. “Now I can ask my partner for support. I can say what I need. And that’s changed everything.”

Therapy helps, big time.

"The therapeutic relationship models secure attachment.You’re attuned to. You’re responded to. You feel emotionally safe.”

And that experience? Over time, it rewires something. You go from “I must be too much” to “I get to ask for what I need.”

From “They haven’t replied because I did something wrong” to “I can sit with the not knowing.”

So why does dating trigger this so much?

According to Louise, the early stages of dating can really stir the pot when it comes to our attachment system - especially with the uncertainty of texts, apps, and mixed signals.

“Dating is stressful. And under stress, we often revert to our default attachment style.” She explained.

And it makes sense, doesn’t it?

Your brain starts doing what it’s always done: trying to make sense of it, trying to stay safe.

It’s not trying to ruin your day, it’s just trying to keep you safe. Less saboteur, more inner child. Your younger self tugging at your sleeve, asking, " Are we safe?".

Louise said that even a missed WhatsApp can tap into very old, very tender fears of abandonment or rejection.

And yes, even if you’ve only been out once.

For example:

• A secure person might think, “They’re probably busy. I’ll hear from them later.”
  

• An anxious person might think, “They’ve lost interest. Did I say too much?”
  

• An avoidant person might think, “This is too much. Maybe I need space.”
  

Louise said it’s important to notice how you feel when dating. Drained? Light? Anxious? Empowered?

“Your emotional response gives you so much information,” she said. “Don’t ignore it. Pay attention.”

Your attachment style is trying to protect you the best way it knows how. Even if that way currently includes four drafted but unsent messages and a group chat poll.

Bowlby said it best

One of the quotes Louise shared really stayed with me:

“Many of the most intense emotions arise during the formation, maintenance, the disruption and the renewal of attachment relationships.”

From falling in love to falling apart - it’s all part of the same emotional system. The good news is, once you understand how yours works, you can stop blaming yourself and start responding with more compassion.

So what does “secure” actually feel like?

According to Louise: freedom. Authenticity. Creative energy.

“Secure people can tolerate the uncertainty of dating. They stay connected to their own needs, but they’re open to others too.”

Secure attachment isn’t about never feeling triggered. It’s about knowing when you’re triggered… and knowing how to handle it.

This episode with Louise made me feel a lot less embarrassed about the times I’ve completely overthought a message… or five.

You know the ones - where you’re practically conducting a forensic investigation on someone’s “last seen” status.

I do feel like I’ve come a long way, though.

These days, I’m the one confiscating phones from my friends, saying,

“No, we are not chasing a man who already said no to you.”

Shopping, snacks, and dignity - that’s what we’re doing today.

And more than anything, it reminded me that we’re all just figuring it out - one WhatsApp, one boundary, one healing moment at a time.

Your attachment style isn’t who you are. It’s just a story you learned to tell yourself about safety.

And once you see that...you can begin to tell a new one.

Listen to the full episode now wherever you get your podcasts.