Jennyfer Jay on the Real Lessons from Dating Men

Jennyfer Jay, the sharp and hilarious truth-teller of modern dating, joins us for a bonus episode to talk about her e-book Lessons I Learned from Dating Men.

Think of it as a pocket-sized pep talk for anyone who’s survived the romantic chaos of their twenties and thirties.

What began as a birthday video turned into a digital survival manual for every woman who’s ever been ghosted, love-bombed, or left wondering: "Wait… what just happened?"

As Jen put it:

“I did a video on my birthday - 38 lessons I learned from dating men - and it went a bit viral. And loads of women were like, ‘We need a PDF, we need a book of this.’

Lesson One: You're Dating Their Representative

Apparently, the person you meet in the first few months is less future partner and more carefully curated LinkedIn version. Jen describes this as the ‘representative’ phase - where the charm is thick, the compliments flow freely, and the good morning texts arrive before you’ve even wiped last night’s mascara off your pillow.

It’s not that people are faking it entirely - it’s more that they’re showing you their highlight reel. You’re not meeting their real, relaxed, slightly grumpy-on-a-Tuesday self just yet. You’re meeting the version of them that wants to impress.

“Avoidants will be amazing for 3 or 4 months and then they just turn into a whole different person. So scary, isn’t it?”

The switch-up can feel brutal. One moment you’re planning weekend getaways and swapping Spotify playlists. The next, they’re suddenly “really busy with work” and forgetting you exist on Tuesdays.

“Just because you talk every day or have deep chats early on doesn’t mean you really know someone. That kind of closeness takes time - consistency, not constant communication.”

Which is why Jen’s advice is simple but golden: slow it down. Don’t rush to define something just because it feels exciting. Wait for the mask to slip. Watch who they become when it’s not all hearts and butterflies - when plans change, when things get boring, or when you say no.

But the truth is: you don’t really know someone after two months. You know their representative. And if you’re not careful, you might fall for the potential, rather than the person.

On Love Bombing and Spa Dates (Too Soon)

Jen’s take on dating? If he’s trying to speed things up, slow it right down.

“All men try and rush dating. I think it’s really common. They're loving the dopamine. But it’s your job to regulate the pace.”

Whether it’s suggesting a spa break after two dates (yes, that happened), or calling five times a day, the message is clear: just because it feels like a whirlwind romance doesn’t mean it’s real.

“In a natural, healthy relationship, you get to know someone slowly. These men are all on turbo mode. It’s not healthy.”

Men will often fast-forward the dating process – not necessarily out of malice, but because they’re chasing a feeling. That feeling might fade as quickly as it arrived, leaving you wondering how you went from “good morning texts” to radio silence.

Going Celibate

After dating 50 men in three years (yes, you read that right), Jen hit pause and went celibate for a year.

“I was so sick of temporary connections. So I was like, I’m not doing this anymore.”

Celibacy, she explains, isn’t just about abstaining from sex. It’s about regaining control – of your time, your energy, your peace. It stops you handing out access to your emotional core before someone’s proven they’re worth it. And crucially, it makes the post-switch-up heartbreak a lot easier to stomach.

The Art of Leaving in Silence

Here’s the mic-drop moment of the episode: “Sometimes, leaving in silence is your superpower.”

This one got spicy. Jen admitted she used to crash out of heartbreaks with Oscar-worthy monologues but experience taught her that those don’t land the way we hope. Most men don’t care. Some even enjoy the drama.

Now? She walks away. No essay. Just peace.

Pro tip: if you must write the long message, send it to ChatGPT or a friend. Not him.

Disney Delusions

Jen doesn’t hold back when it comes to our romantic conditioning, either.

“We’re fed these Disney fantasies growing up but those princes were not okay! Aladdin was future-faking. The Beast needed therapy. And don’t get me started on kissing women when they’re unconscious.”

And when you actually stop and watch those films as an adult, you realise - she's absolutely right. The bar for male behaviour was so low, it was practically underground.

We were told that love was about being chosen, being rescued, being beautiful enough to inspire a redemption arc in a deeply wounded man. No one mentioned compatibility, shared values or emotional safety.

“Even Prince Charming couldn’t remember Cinderella’s face. He had to track her down using a shoe.”

These stories shaped our early ideas about what love looks like: dramatic grand gestures, suffering in silence, and eventually being "rewarded" with a man who turns good for you.

And it’s no wonder so many of us ended up in situationships with men who breadcrumbed affection and called it emotional growth.

“We weren’t taught to vet. We were taught to wait. To wish. To believe that if we were good enough, patient enough, quiet enough… love would find us.”

But real life doesn’t come with a fairy godmother or a talking teacup. It comes with dating apps, inconsistent texting, and the emotional equivalent of Gaston sliding into your DMs at 2am.

Jen’s message is clear: it’s time to rewrite the narrative. One where the happy ending isn’t about finding him, but finding yourself. And maybe booking a solo trip to Paris while you’re at it.

Parenting Your Inner Child (And Putting the Phone Down)

One of the most powerful threads in the episode was around inner child healing. Because so many of our dating decisions - the chasing, the people-pleasing, the spiralling after rejection – stem from an inner 7-year-old who just wants to feel safe and loved.

Instead of firing off another text or uploading a revenge-glow selfie to Stories, Jen’s advice? Pause. Sit in the discomfort. Soothe that inner child. Remind her she’s already enough – with or without him.

Bonus Wisdom from the Sisterhood

The second half of Jennyfer’s book includes lessons from her TikTok followers – a communal cry of "ME TOO!" from women everywhere.

From “never lend a man money” (seriously, don’t) to “watch who his friends are,” the collective dating wisdom of the internet is sharp, fierce, and fabulously petty in the best way.

Some advice is sharply practical - things you can scribble in a Notes app and recite like dating commandments. Others are quietly radical, like reclaiming your self-worth by simply choosing not to explain yourself anymore.

One follower summed it up best:

"If he’s not making your life easier, what exactly is he doing there?”

And then there’s the collective realisation that the bar has been so low, we’ve applauded men for replying to texts and knowing our last name. The sisterhood is done clapping. Now we’re building a new bar - one made of mutual respect, consistency, and actual effort.

Jen brings these voices together not to scare you off dating entirely (though honestly, you’d be forgiven), but to remind you: you’re not alone. We’ve all been there - love-bombed, ghosted, trauma-dumped over tapas - and we survived to tell the tale.

And now? We pass those lessons on.

Because if sharing your story helps one woman dodge a walking red flag in skinny jeans?

That’s a public service.

So, Where Is Jen Now?

In her words:

“I’ve done the ditching. I’m too tired to keep dating. And now? I’m somewhere in the middle - acting like men. Enjoying companionship, but without the expectation.”

She’s not saying it’s for everyone but she’s pro whatever works for you.

“We’re humans. We need affection. But you can’t have cuddle buddies with men you like. That’s a one-way ticket to heartbreak.”

Lessons I Learned from Dating Men is for every woman who’s cried over a breadcrumb, screenshot a message thread, or felt “too much” for simply wanting to be treated with care.

You are not crazy. You are not too much. And you are certainly not alone.

Go grab Jen's e-book here, pop the kettle on, and remember – you don’t need closure to move on, you don’t need chaos to prove you cared, and you certainly don’t need to settle.You just need you. Steady, shining, and quietly walking toward the life you deserve.

Follow @JennyferJay on TikTok for daily doses of dating sanity and sass. Trust me, your For You Page will thank you.